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Monday, 10 April 2017

6% APPLE, DRY AND TIMELY

mirror selfie camera canon short fringe glasses

So, I'm sitting here, with my eyes closing gently and opening slowly, all sparkly and green (as they tend to be when I'm in a higher state of mood), and my bottle of apple cider emptied. 0.75L of 6% apple, dry and timely. The day I'm groovin' to grime music, you know there's gonna be just a teeny-tiny trouble around where I am. Just a tiny, again  timely (I'll tell you why in a sec) and tasty, still vegan, though (this time, at least  ya know, alcohol loosens your sense of responsibility a bit).

Long story short, I thought I fell in love last spring. A year ago, when I was the lowest in my depression. When I thought of not wanting to live and wanting it all to be over. When I thought of "killing myself" from different points of view, from different philosophical standpoints on death, if you will; when I thought in categories "kill yourself" or "get over it once and for all". And in three weeks exactly it'll be the day I got over it once and for all, a year ago. I didn't kill myself then, I won't kill myself ever. Did the sun shine in May of 2016? Oh yes, it did. Did the people around me show their support? Omfg yes. Yes, they did. Did it all seem like a terrible, impossible, worst nightmare ever? I knew, it was real  the way I felt the entire winter till the 1st of May '16  but, yes, it did. It seemed like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from, couldn't shake off, couldn't bear any longer or I would, you know… would I?

So. It's April and it's gorgeous. It's as if my happiest moments gathered into a show reel and decided to prove me wrong for having to suffer that much. I have two windows in my new room: one opens to a quiet bystreet, through the other I CAN SEE THE RIVER. Yeah, it's totally cool, though the caps lock was accidental and totally unnecessary. Right now I can hear seagulls screaming. Love 'em. Anyway, the mere fact that I can afford a room of my own, where I can be secure no one comes in, and the two windows are both mine for looking into at the blue sky and the river? Last year's me couldn't dream of any of that. Last year's me was afraid of staying at home. She'd spend her days off hanging out at work or nearby not to have to stay at home alone. She'd be terrified at the thought of having to spend a day without anyone by her side, anyone talking, later - anyone listening, when she gradually learnt to speak aloud about what she'd been going through and that it was not easy, more honestly  terrible, most honestly  unbearable.

And you, the person who listened, the guy who admitted life could suck as much as others wouldn't think possible, the one who asked any questions at all and who made me smile just because  I thought I fell in love with you. A couple months later I thought the same. A few more - and it's been a year, and I'm listening to the music you post (because, man, you got taste), and I'm drinking apple cider and groovin', because, man…

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

STILL LEARNING TO LIVE AND TO LOVE

blue sky white clouds nature

So here I am in this phase in life where I don't quite know where I stand. Regarding anything.
I love people. No, I LOVE PEOPLE ! Which is relatively new, thowback to my last post from January (god, it's been long... I don't even remember what blogging is anymore and how much I love it, still do). But apart from that loving and overcoming this f*ing devastating depressive episode that I had from the beginning of the year till May, when the sun finally came out to shine onto this city of decadance culture and lifestyle... Apart from that, I don't seem to have anything, like, at all. I'm at zero. I am a zero.
I used to comfort myself thinking that I was getting free from the past and letting go of all the crap that I had been holding on to for so long, for years telling myself and others the same old story of me - but I was just trying to distract myself from the real problem. And the real problem is that I am
So. Fed. Up. With. Being. Depressed.
And I need to take my life under control. Or it's fucked.
Not going into too much detail, the past six months have been an emotional roller-coster, yet the most beautiful time of my life. I have never been this happy, ever. Actually, in all seriousness, I don't think I ever was happy before. So here's this baggage of something I can't quite contemplate, however, I like to think that I'm still learning to live and to love. And as they say, as long as you continue to learn how to love, you shall be fine.
I shall probably redesign my blog and learn to love it again. Yeah, maybe I could start from there.

Sunday, 31 January 2016

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Christmas fairy lights cinematic shot
I can honestly declare that unconditional love has been a success of January 2016.
I have managed to not fall in love yet still feel it every day, for every person, more or less, not needing anything in return. Just giving the warmth and compassion that I have.
I put it on my to-do list for twenty sixteen. And I am forever grateful to the people who surround me, who have been there for me, who I can turn to in times of struggle - and this past month has been quite rough. Now the task is to keep my heart warm like that throughout the year and beyond.

Sunday, 23 August 2015

CHANGE IS GOOD. I just can't verbalise it all

This stupid situation, when you want to say so much yet cannot find the words. And it’s not because I want to make it sound perfect or more interesting than it is, I just can’t pull the words from my head and onto paper. Digital paper, but it doesn’t matter. And there IS lots happening in my head. Changes in life. Opportunities. Things I’ve always wanted coming my way. New stuff that I’m about to try. Abnosomely delicious feijoa tea in Coffee House which you can find around the corner wherever you are in this city. New dress and style I need to sort well with. New people, lots of them, who I am about to meet literally tomorrow. And feeling happy with myself and my life, even though it’s not perfect or trouble-free, I am learning to accept it as it is. Right now and right here is what it’s meant to be.
house block of flats blue sky new home
moving to another city alone suitcase
walking around cuty leopard sneekers streetstyle

Monday, 17 August 2015

MONDAY PLAYLIST #3. I am in St Petersburg now

I am sitting on my new bed, in my new room, in a new city. I have moved to St Petersburg. Code phrase "for good". I live here now. From now on I live in the city of my dreams. Wow. It's been quite a dream and I cannot seem to believe it yet. Dear St P, please be good to me. Here's my long promised Monday playlist for you, which is all about how mixed my feelings are right now. Feelings mixed, but I am pleased. I might be happy, I'm just way too tired to feel it straight. Let's see how it goes.

Friday, 7 August 2015

FILM TALK. Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)

Kingsman The Secret Service film poster Colin Firth It's a bulldog, ain't it
It's a bulldog, ain't it?
I don't know how it happened, but I watched Kingsman the other day. I refused to watch it when everybody else did, because judging by the trailer it wasn't my jam. You know, all the hype, special effects and Colin Firth exploitation. Oh, and fights – not into those. Now why I did watch the film eventually... It may sound silly, and  it is silly of me, but I was scrolling down Evelina's instagram feed, as you do, and saw this picture of her Beautycon outfit inspired by Gazelle (a character from the film). That was when I knew the day had come. By the end of that day I had watched Kingsman, and thank you Evelina, for it turned out better than I could have expected.
If you are reading this and wondering whether or not the film is worthy – it is! It's that kind of film no one would regret watching. There are quite a few things I loved and very few details I didn't like as much and I couldn't give the film less than 8 out of 10. And I am REALLY picky with what I watch. Now let's talk about all of it more specifically and try to do so spoiler free, shall we?

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

LONG TIME NO POST. moving

Well, long time no post, the usual. We all know it – the longer we don’t write blog posts, the harder it is to get back to it. I’m trying, believe me, I’m trying. Here’s the excuse I have (this time, an actual one): I’m moving to another city. Ta-da!
In less than two weeks I’ll be on a 14 hour train to St. Petersburg, with a suitcase, laptop and a camera, filled with hope to build a life that I’ll enjoy living. And blogging is a part of it. I have a few big and small ideas for this space of mine, but first, why move?
St. Petersburg, being the cultural capital, is impossible to forget once you’ve been there. I first visited that gorgeous city when I was 8 and I couldn’t get over it ever since. My family and I went there every summer for almost a decade and I always knew that someday I would stay there for good. And that is what’s going to happen this month. And it’s scary. And plans changed a lot. And I almost talked myself out of it once or twice. And thanks to all of the above, I know I really want to do it.
I’m not telling you all the details yet, but here are some photos I took two years ago on my last visit with my brother. Hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy the city!

city river Санкт-Петербург
city river Санкт-Петербург